Offering advice can be a kind and helpful act, but giving it unsolicited can often lead to unintended consequences. The unwilling receiver may be left feeling resentful and disempowered. It’s not our job to tell other people how to live their lives, regardless of who it is (i.e., child, significant other, friend, co-worker, etc.).
People often give unsolicited advice for a variety of reasons, sometimes without even realizing that they’re doing it. The person may have a genuine desire to help; they see someone struggling or facing a challenge and instinctively offer solutions in the hope of being useful. Others might give advice to demonstrate their knowledge or expertise, seeking to establish authority or show that they have valuable insights to share. Additionally, some people simply feel uncomfortable with silence or uncertainty, and they use advice-giving to fill the gap or take control of a situation. Finally, unsolicited advice may stem from a lack of awareness about social cues or an inability to recognize when others prefer to find their own solutions. In these cases, the advice-giver may not realize that their intentions, while well-meaning, can come across as intrusive or condescending.
My reason for writing on this topic is because unsolicited advice is something I absolutely detest. When someone starts to give me unsolicited advice, my eyes glaze over, my brain shuts off, and I completely stop listening. All I can think about is WHY is this person doing this? What emotional hole is wanting to be filled?
I’m an assertive person. If I want someone’s advice, I’ll ask for it. I would take unsolicited advice about golf from Tiger Woods, not a random weekend golfer I got paired up with at the public golf course (this has happened to me countless times). I’d take unsolicited investing advice from Bernie Sanders; not from an acquaintance who has not been successful at accumulating wealth that way. You see where I’m going. I’m discerning about who I obtain advice from, and I think everyone should be. It’s important to be aware of where you may be able to offer information to someone because you are truly an expert on the topic, and where you should simply listen and support the person in the way he/she needs.
Reasons Unsolicited Advice is Problematic
It can feel invasive. When you give advice without being asked, it can come across as intrusive. The person on the receiving end might feel as though their personal space or autonomy is being invaded. By offering advice unprompted, you risk overstepping boundaries, making others feel uncomfortable or even defensive.
It can undermine confidence. Receiving unsolicited advice can make people doubt their own abilities and decisions. Even if your intentions are good, offering advice without being asked can suggest that you don’t trust the other person’s judgment or think they are incapable of finding their own solutions. This can erode their self-esteem and discourage them from taking initiative in the future.
It can cause resentment. People generally don’t like being told what to do, especially when they didn’t ask for help. Unsolicited advice can lead to feelings of resentment or annoyance. The more advice you give without being asked, the more likely you are to create a rift in your relationship with that person.
It might not be relevant or useful. Your advice might be based on your own experiences, which may not align with someone else’s unique situation. Without a full understanding of their context, history, or perspective, your advice might be irrelevant or even harmful. This can lead to confusion or frustration on the part of the person receiving it.
It shifts the focus from listening to solving. When you jump in with advice, it can interrupt the natural flow of conversation and shift the focus away from listening and empathy. Often, people don’t need advice; they just need someone to listen and understand. By focusing on giving advice, you might miss the opportunity to provide emotional support or allow the other person to express their feelings. When you are only thinking about how you are going to respond or provide advice to another person, it becomes clear that you were not actually listening to the person.
It can create a power imbalance. Offering unsolicited advice can create an implicit power imbalance, where you position yourself as the “expert” or “fixer.” This dynamic can be uncomfortable for others and might discourage them from sharing their thoughts and feelings with you, and other people, in the future.
Improved Communication
When people refrain from offering unsolicited advice, communication tends to improve significantly. The absence of unrequested suggestions allows for a more open and receptive dialogue, where each person feels heard and valued. Without the distraction or interruption of unwanted advice, conversations can flow more naturally, fostering a deeper connection and understanding between the participants. This approach also encourages active listening, a crucial skill that helps build trust and empathy. By focusing on listening rather than advising, individuals are more likely to validate each other’s feelings and experiences, leading to more meaningful exchanges. Furthermore, when advice is only given upon request, it creates an environment where advice-givers are seen as respectful and considerate, allowing for a healthier, more balanced communication dynamic.
Awareness of the Advice-Giver’s Motive is Key
Most of the time, I don’t believe the person giving advice has awareness about the reasons they are doing it, which is the main issue. It’s crucial for someone offering unsolicited advice to reflect on their motives because genuine concern for the other person’s well-being should be the driving force, rather than a desire to assert superiority or control. Understanding one’s intentions ensures that advice-giving comes from a place of empathy and respect rather than ego.
Imagine a scenario where a colleague offers unsolicited advice on how to improve your presentation skills. You simply mentioned that you were having a few wrinkles to iron out for an upcoming client presentation. Unasked, your colleague begins telling you all the things you need to do to for the presentation. It becomes evident she is making about her when she starts boasting about her own speaking abilities and accomplishments. Instead of feeling supported, you’re left feeling belittled and undermined, as if your abilities are being compared to hers rather than genuinely helped. This self-centered approach not only fails to address your needs but also damages the relationship by eroding trust and respect.
Ask First if the Person Wants Advice
There are easy ways to ask a person if they want advice before offering it up. Here are a few examples:
1. “Would you like some advice on this matter, or are you just looking to talk it out?”
2. “I've noticed about [issue/problem], would you like some input on how to handle it?”
3. “I have some thoughts on [topic], but I want to make sure I’m not overstepping. Would you be interested in hearing my perspective?”
4. “I've been in a similar situation before and I learned a few things that might help. Would you like me to share my experience?”
5. “I’m here to support you in any way you need. Would you like some advice or just someone to listen?”
6. "If you want suggestions, I'm happy to offer some from my own experiences, but I understand you may just be looking for support."
7. "How can I support you?"
These approaches show respect for the other person’s autonomy and boundaries while still offering support and guidance if they’re open to it. If you are going to ask first, you need to respect when the person says “no.” It’s not about you. Don’t take it personally. Allow that person to go through his/her own process in trying to find a solution if one is needed. Most of the time, people just need to get something off their chest and have someone listen. It’s not more complicated than that.
Before giving advice, consider whether it has been explicitly requested. Instead of jumping in with your suggestions, try asking open-ended questions or offering a listening ear. If someone does want your advice, they’ll likely ask for it. In the meantime, focus on building trust, respecting boundaries, and fostering genuine connections through empathetic listening and understanding. Remember, sometimes the best advice is none.
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